Sunday, April 11, 2010

Going bare..

I started this for a reason right?

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."- Galileo. This pivotal point in my life. Full of confusion and this pit in my stomach.

I was waiting behind a 18 wheel truck the other day. In traffic, listening to Echo and the Bunnyman, thinking....Am I a coward? What of my brakes didn't work, and I went car first into the back of this truck. Now, I would NEVER think to end my life but I did think back to when I was 13, freshman year in high school. Institutionalized (is that the word) for an incident. And I smiled. Because I could be anybody there. And I could scream in a padded room. And I had people who understood that it was okay to be alone and to cry when I wanted to. And I didn't have to be strong, or a leader, or showing fear was ok. And I think I have unfinished business. And thinking about that makes me weak, a coward.

I want to scream at him. To spit in his face. I want to tell him it had no effect on me. But I also want truth. And the truth is, he did. I second guess my EVERYTHING. I cry almost every other day at the frustration I feel that I can't get him out of my life. Any of them. Any of those that hurt me. And the lack of control I had. And now I am realizing I don't need to be in control. I can let go, I can be free with love and honesty.

And I just really want to feel the same from somebody.

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