It has been a while. And I can honestly say, I am relieved to be back here. I was discussing 'blogging' tonight and tried to figure out why its easier, more liberating to handwrite my words versus type them...the ANGER, the FRUSTRATION, the swaying from one thought to the next...I can SEE visibly on paper. How hard I wrote, how fast...it helps me to SEE my feelings at that time. But, alas, frantically typing on a keyboard can help just as much.
I was re reading some things from 2003 - 2004 era of my journal life...and one memory came to mind. My Christmas in July. Unfortunately in the early 2000's I was very paranoid on dates, names, etc. in my writings, so I can't be date specific. I only remember driving to Maryland, I was moving there from Dallas. Some belt thing came off as I was driving through Tennessee. As my friend and I were waiting for the car to get fixed at the local gee-raje, we hung out at a gas station, and walked my cat.
We were incredibly bored. And decided to get my Christmas lights out of my trunk and decorate the gas station trees. I guess I can't lie here, we only did one. We hung the lights, walked to Burger King, ordered a Whopper with no onions, came back and put up the garland.
It was great. Remembering then, I left Dallas with nothing but what could fit in my car, and my cat. Nothing else. I left it all behind. And thinking back now, I remember that I was running, from what...well, I didn't know. All I knew was I was going to find myself. I was going to make differences in peoples lives. Start from scratch. Begin new. And I did. I looked at these memories and I realize that knowing who I am now, and keeping those memories close to me help me everyday.
I can't help but think that this tree in Tennessee was made brighter by Angela and I. And althoug I can't decorate everything I see, I can leave my mark, my own special way of brightening someones life. A simple smile, a laugh..even making someone angry...all these things I can affect. And teach and grow from.
Everyday can't be my Christmas in July, but everyday I can give the gift of life..somehow.