Friday, April 16, 2010

simon says

He said, "I am content".

1443. Paolo Uccello, painted the figures of the clock of Duomo. A one handed clock that tells time counter clockwise. This method was perfectly normal at that time. Today we have the words 'counter clockwise'. Time changes you, changes beliefs - with words, actions, fear...with so many emotions. I can tell you that at one point, I thought I could accept being content and the word settling became okay with me.

Until I realized how important words and their meanings use to mean to me. Happy. You can look that word up and the word contentment is listed as one of the adjectives. What made the hand of that clock described as 'counter clockwise'? Modeled after the hands of the sun dial. That is how clockwise came to be. Being true to myself with all the gratitude, dignity, anguish; with every emotion coming through...that is how I will choose to be happy.

He asked, "Why are you here?"

This is bigger than us. There is something here that we need help with and we can not do it alone. There is a meditation technique called Sufi meditation. In this type you have a mentor/Shaykh that leads you to find that connection in self examination. Maybe we need you to help us see our weaknesses, you are our Shaykh. I need to come out of this dark recess in my heart. To allow it to breath so that I don't suffocate everything else that is good. The 'bridge between illusion and reality'. 'See thru the eye of the heart'. I am doing the best I can at this moment, we are here because we want to do better.

And to you - JML - thank you. Forever a place in not only my heart, but my soul...always respect and admiration.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Going bare..

I started this for a reason right?

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."- Galileo. This pivotal point in my life. Full of confusion and this pit in my stomach.

I was waiting behind a 18 wheel truck the other day. In traffic, listening to Echo and the Bunnyman, thinking....Am I a coward? What of my brakes didn't work, and I went car first into the back of this truck. Now, I would NEVER think to end my life but I did think back to when I was 13, freshman year in high school. Institutionalized (is that the word) for an incident. And I smiled. Because I could be anybody there. And I could scream in a padded room. And I had people who understood that it was okay to be alone and to cry when I wanted to. And I didn't have to be strong, or a leader, or showing fear was ok. And I think I have unfinished business. And thinking about that makes me weak, a coward.

I want to scream at him. To spit in his face. I want to tell him it had no effect on me. But I also want truth. And the truth is, he did. I second guess my EVERYTHING. I cry almost every other day at the frustration I feel that I can't get him out of my life. Any of them. Any of those that hurt me. And the lack of control I had. And now I am realizing I don't need to be in control. I can let go, I can be free with love and honesty.

And I just really want to feel the same from somebody.