Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I hate how memories invade my EVERYTHING lately. In a couple of weeks, I will of course cherish them...I will embrace them...but today, yesterday and tomorrow - I CAN'T WAIT TO FORGET THEM!

Its so funny ow memories happen...I'm walking down the aisle at Target and pass the little kids section - BOOM! M-E-M-O-R-Y!. Or, I am driving down 15th street, see Sushi Sasa - BOOM! Hits you like a wave.

The thing about memories for me is that they normally make me stronger. I think of past things that have maybe hurt me, and I think "Be stronger than that" mind wanders to my happy memories and I am smiling again. Lately I am just weak. And missing the fact that I won't be making any new ones anytime soon. Except work ones and those will SERIOUSLY suck.

I also feel like I sound like I am 18 again. LOL. I don't know, I want to say so much more, I want to shout, to drive, to have the wind in my hair and feel nothing!!

Then again, I am someone who thrives on feelings. Ah the predictment I am in.

Ok, so this makes no sense but I think in a couple of weeks it will...lets hope

Monday, December 6, 2010

First day

I drove around all day, went Christmas shopping, stopped for gas 3 times - and ended up home with the realization that I had actually accomplished nothing. NOTHING. I listened to Disc 2 of a cd made for me, over and over. And I had some sort of crying spasms over and over re-living pain of yesterday.

Now, I went shopping to take my mind off things, to no avail. I was at the mall for about 4 hours and I can't honestly tell you what stores I went into. I've been trying to think of how to make time either slow down or speed up. Slow down so that I don't have to face things later, or speed up so I can fly home for the holidays and be away for a week.

As of right now I have not succeeded in breaking that time/space continum (is that spelled right? I don't think so because that spell check thing is underlining the word).

I can't sleep but I want to so i don't have to think. And there's this part of me that doesn't want to eat but also knows that that is a slippery slope.

I lost someone yesterday. Someone dear to me. Someone who made me think and see the world different. And although I will see them again, the love and friendship and tears and smiles and laughs and winks and shared love of sushi will never be the same.

The hard thing is knowing that it was me. That I couldn't be the person I needed to be. I know this feeling will pass but isn't that the tough part? Knowing that 'it will pass'. "I'll grow as a person, I'll learn from this pain". Will I feel better knowing that I was strong enough to handle this loss?

Tomorrow is another day. And I am planning to not leave my house at all. Not for anything. I am going to reorganize things and watch Criminal Minds. I have 2 more days off and then I will plunge myself into work and then, in a couple of weeks - be home.