Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Red Patent Leather Shoes

I have an addictive personality. There, it has been said. I have thought about this often. And sometimes I tend to disagree with myself as I really have an addiction to control. One immense addiction.
Control is my gateway addiction. Because of it I either shop or don't eat. Because of control I often look like Oprah bouncing up and down with my weight. Because of it, when I am fat Oprah, I have awesome shoes. Shoes I will never wear. Awesome shirts that look great on me and again, that I will never wear. I have around 16 pairs of black slacks. About 19 pairs of jeans. Over 13 pairs of various tennis shoes.
And I just went down a pant size.
Which addiction do I have now?
I looked up addiction, because I thought to myself...could addiction be a good word...could I be addicted to exercise, or philanthropy....or donating toys for tots...
Positive addiction: where the benefits outweigh the costs. So YES!!! There is the possibility of it being positive. What fun is that?
I would be semi normal if that were the case. With my negative addiction, I am normal. The one time I am so confused on which type of normal I want to be.
The point of all this is yesterday I went and I bought myself some red, patent leather peep toes high heeled shoes. Shoes I will probably never wear but they were so cute! Glossy and shiny and red.
And I just went down a pant size.
Control. Ugh. Sigh. Arms in air.
Its not that I need it. I just need something to shock me. To be normal. To be consistent. Instead of my mind racing and going back and forth and what is right and what is wrong and how am I living my life and is this love real and why do I always run and why why why??!!
Deciding that hummus is my new best friend (and peppers) or that I must have those red patent leather peep toe high heel shoes...well, much simplier. (Is that a word?) Much easier. My breathing slows down and I can look at myself in a different sort of restlessness.
Addiction. Control. Going hand in hand I think.

He has never said he loves me. And I have no control over that.


  1. I don't call it addiction, I call it obsession. I get obsessed with things like my kids toys. When they like something I feel like they need the whole set, you know? Drives Jayme nuts...

  2. Hmm....obsession. But that can't be for everything. I am obsessed with watermelon sorbet. And italian sodas. Whats the difference between obsession and addiction?

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